From Comedian Steven Wright:

. All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
. Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don't have film.
. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
. Plan to be spontaneous....tomorrow.
. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk.
. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.